This scribe is the beginning of what I know will be a beautiful relationship. Maybe. While channeling "Carrie Bradshaw," I have to ask..."Does love exist?" Easily most would say, "Yes, absolutely!" but not me. I'm thirty-five years old and I've never been in love. Never. I've had relationships, two long term relationships but didn't love either. Saying "I love you" is to truly be vulnerable; like a cat exposing its belly. It never seemed organic - so I never said it. Consequently, I've never been told that I was loved.
As my uterus and I get older, I question love. What is it and why haven't I experienced it? Do you have to be pretty to receive love? I'm not very pretty so that could be a contributing factor. Ehhh, I don't know...I've seen less attractive women on the town with their "love" so it's hard to say.
Currently, I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for about seven years (yep, seven years). This time span has allowed me to look at the dynamics of my friend's relationships and I now savor all those components for myself. I want the butterflies in my stomach and I want the noon day "Just checking in" call. I want the understood "Friday night date." I want to be part of a "We." I want to feel special and I want to matter. I want to say "I love you" but right now, love is bullshit.
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