5:30p

My Grandma died today, ~5:30p. She was 95. She lived a long life but this really sucks.

I love you, Grandma.

And then what...?

Ya know...I often wonder if I'll get married. I didn't get asked to the prom so I wonder if marriage is what God permits for me. At this moment in my life, many of my friends are getting married and\or having babies and I'm sincerely happy for them. But I've often wondered, "What happens the day AFTER you return from the honeymoon?" Who cares then? Months of bridal planning gab, you walk down the aisle, profess your love before God, go and return from your honeymoon, and then what? Do you simply go to work the next day? Gone are the days of, "OMG, tell me about your dress!" Who's going to make a fuss over you now?

Brides are rock stars. They have their own t-shirts...B-R-I-D-E. These tee's are often white and bedazzled. Or these tee's say, "The Future Mrs. ____." These tee's always evoke an obligatory "awe" within you. I mean, can you wear this tee AFTER the nuptials?

I hope my heart softens and that I'll meet love. Perhaps I have a fantasy notion of love and marriage but I sincerely wonder if marriage is all that its purported to be and that perhaps there's nothing wrong with my life as it is.

Sans Love

This scribe is the beginning of what I know will be a beautiful relationship. Maybe. While channeling "Carrie Bradshaw," I have to ask..."Does love exist?" Easily most would say, "Yes, absolutely!" but not me. I'm thirty-five years old and I've never been in love. Never. I've had relationships, two long term relationships but didn't love either. Saying "I love you" is to truly be vulnerable; like a cat exposing its belly. It never seemed organic - so I never said it. Consequently, I've never been told that I was loved.

As my uterus and I get older, I question love. What is it and why haven't I experienced it? Do you have to be pretty to receive love? I'm not very pretty so that could be a contributing factor. Ehhh, I don't know...I've seen less attractive women on the town with their "love" so it's hard to say.

Currently, I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for about seven years (yep, seven years). This time span has allowed me to look at the dynamics of my friend's relationships and I now savor all those components for myself. I want the butterflies in my stomach and I want the noon day "Just checking in" call. I want the understood "Friday night date." I want to be part of a "We." I want to feel special and I want to matter. I want to say "I love you" but right now, love is bullshit.